Meaning of Life

As I am still going through the process of grief, I am making good progress. I decided to look outside myself and I saw that I am moving through better than I thought. When I am experiencing my downtimes, times when I feel there is no hope, I feel like I am not moving anywhere. I realize now that I am moving somewhere. I just have my down days and I always will. When I am sad, I feel confined and sometimes I wish I could die and that my life has no meaning. I feel like I am dying more and more each day. I always try to remind myself that Joseph wouldn't won't me to despair forever or feel that way. So I decided to remind myself that I should think of what he would want for me. I am seeing past the hopelessness and now I see a light at the end of the tunnel. I am reaching for it more and more everyday. Now I found that I have a meaning and purpose in life, it's living for God and for my son. My son has been a tremendous source of strength for me. I see so much of his father in him. Sometimes when he looks at me, it's like his daddy is looking at me. He has so much of me in him too. He is going to be a strong man when he grows up. I know that in the blog I have mostly talked grief, but by talking about it, it helps me work through. A while back, I wrote a little sermon I guess you could say on grief. Here it is:

I have come to truly realize something today. I was reading through Corinthians, Romans, Hebrews, Thessalonians, and Philippians looking at verses about death and eternal life. I was looking for some encouraging verses that would help me with the grief that I have been going through since I lost Joseph. I remember reading one of Joseph’s sermons about handling grief. He said, “After losing my grandmother, my heart has never been so crushed. No one can hurry the process of grieving; it just has to take its course. Although it is comforting to have friends around you while you are grieving, even they cannot comfort. There is only One person that we can go to for putting our hearts back together, Jesus. In these times of pain, I honestly have never felt so close to Jesus. He knows exactly what this is like. Everyday Jesus loses someone He loves. Everyday someone rejects His love and they go on to hell. Understanding that Jesus understands all that we go through is by far the most comforting thing. Wrestling with all kinds of emotions has shaken the foundation of why I am still here. If we had only one more day to live and we lived that last day for ourselves, that last day would be worthless. But if we commit even one day to Jesus, that day is worth more than anything.” I know that the only way that I am going to get through grief is to rely on Jesus to get me through. Jesus has felt the pain; He knows what it’s like. I know that He is the only person that I can turn to with grief.

I have dealt with grief for six months already and I have felt that I am getting no where in the grieving process. Truly as I have come to realization that I am getting somewhere in this. I am finding strength everyday. God gives me enough strength to last the day. That reminds me of the story in Exodus 16, when the Lord gives the starving people food. The Lord said to Moses, “I will rain down bread from heaven for you. The people are to go out each day and gather enough for that day. In this way I will test them and see whether they will follow my instructions. On the sixth day there are to prepare what they bring in, and that is to be twice as much as they gather on the other days.” That is how God is giving me strength to endure this hardship of grief. He gives me just enough to get through the day and on next day He does the same for me again. I know that the He has never forsaken me. “God blesses those who mourn, for they will be comforted.” (Matthew 5:4).

As I was reading through 2 Corinthians, I also realized that God has a plan for me. God uses the bad for good. I know that having to go through the pain of grief that I can use it to comfort others that have gone through the same thing. “Even when we are weighed down with troubles, it is your comfort and Salvation! For when we ourselves are comforted, we will certainly comfort you.” (2 Corinthians1:6)

When Joseph passed away this past November, I kept asking myself how I am going to live without him. I always told him when he was alive, that if he passed away before me I wouldn’t be able to without him. Joseph told me that I would be able to live without him and that God would give the strength to endure the pain of losing him. Now I realize that I am able to live without him physically. Joseph is not dead. He is alive and well WALKING with the Lord and that I should not weep that he is gone. I should be happy that he is pain-free and that I will see him again. I realize that God wants me know to that and that Joseph would want me to know that.

Ever since Joseph has gone to live with the Lord, I have come to grips about death. I am not afraid of death anymore. I look forward to dying someday. I look forward to walk with the Lord. I am comforted that as long as I live and serve the Lord, when I die I will be able to see my loved ones in heaven. As I have accepted the Lord Jesus Christ my name will forever remain in the Book of Life. I found a verse that Paul wrote in Philippians that reminds me of how Joseph lived his life and how I want to follow his footsteps. Its says, “For I fully expect and hope that I will never be ashamed, but that I will continue to be bold for Christ, as I have been in the past. And I trust that my life will bring honor to Christ, whether I live or die. For to me, living means living for Christ, and dying is even better. But if I live, I can do more fruitful work for Christ. So I really don’t know which is better. I’m torn between two desires: I long to go and be with Christ, which would be far better for me. But for your sakes, it is better that I continue to live.” (Philippians 1:20-24) With this verse, I am encouraged to live more for Christ. I am more aware of the plans that God has for me. I realize that I should be happy for Joseph as he is living so vividly now in heaven with the Lord and that he is watching over me. I realize that I should not be in sorrow and that I should be joyous that we as the Lord’s people have eternal life.