Forum Post

Today was a tough day for me as far as missing Joseph and wishing he was here. Today marks one day that Joseph passed away. Last night around the time that he passed away last year, I had flashbacks of his death. I was so upset and sad.I didn't understand why I felt so sad and anxious today. I went to visit with Joseph's family. They had a get-together of close friends and family to remember Joseph. This wasn't meant to mourn for Joseph but to celebrate his life and his homecoming to heaven. Well me,on the other hand, I haven't thought of this day as that. I wanted so much to look at the bright side of the day but the pain of losing him came back and comsumed me. I wanted to be happy and just not think about the bad part. Is it because of the traumatic event of watching him pass away in front of me? Of course today wasn't like it was a year ago. I loved him so dearly and he was the closest human being to me. He was the only person who could read me like a book and knew how I really felt. Til this day, he is still the only person who truly understood me. He never judged me, and he was so graceful. I just simply miss his company. Maybe today was so hard because it marked one year without his company. I just wish I could see him again and hear his voice. I can't to one day when it's time for God to take me.

Tonight, I was looking at the forum where posted a thread about my grief and loss of Joseph. As I read it, I thought, "Man, I haven't been following my words lately." I wonder if I am supposed to learn something from this time of sadness? Perhaps God wanted me to learn that I will get stronger from this. This time is only a season and it shall pass. Anyways, I went back to look at the forum and found that I had some replies. To my surprise I found that my words had brought comfort to those who are going through the same thing. It really brought a smile to my face.

http://www.thelightbeyond.com/forum/showthread.php?t=532

#1
October 28th, 2008, 00:06
shieldmaidenofchrist08

My Experience of Grief Over the Loss of My Fiance
I hope that my story will give you hope in your grief. On November 9, 2007, my fiance died unexpectantly due to a sudden massive heart attack. He was 23. He had a terminal illness, he battled Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy. You never would have thought that he would die that early morning of a heart attack. He was happy and we had joke around and laughed that night.We were soul mates and were very close. We had been together for 10 months, we just knew it was love at first sight when we met. Before he went to sleep, he told me that he loved me very much and that I was a miracle to him. I was three months pregnant with his child at the time, and he put his hand on my belly and talked to the baby and told him that he loved him/her. When I got to go to the bathroom and I came back, he was awake and he spoke to me, he said, "Snuggle up closer to me". Before I got a chance to lay next to him to go back to sleep, he was unconscious. It was in a split second he was gone. I tried to perform CPR until the paramedics came, but he remained unresponsive. He was taken to the hospital but they couldn't resuscitate him, they pronounced him dead.Since that very night that he died, I still have flashbacks. It's been a year now and I am still battling grief. We all have our own time in trying to deal with grief. You can't make it go away. You can't lock it up in a box and throw the key away. You have to deal with it. When I feel like crying, I cry. But what has helped me get through it and deal with it is God. He gave me the strength to work my way through grief. Grief has it's stages like Shock, Denial, etc. I have finally reached the stage of Reality and Acceptance. You will too in your own time. Don't rush your grief, but don't let it stay in one place. Sometimes I felt that I was getting no where in the grieving process but I came to realization that I was getting somewhere. I am able to smile again and embrace little joys in life again. I find comfort knowing that he is in heaven and he isn't suffering from that horrible disease. I am finding strength everyday. God gives me enough strength to last the day. That reminds me of the story in Exodus 16, when the Lord gives the starving people food. The Lord said to Moses, “I will rain down bread from heaven for you. The people are to go out each day and gather enough for that day. In this way I will test them and see whether they will follow my instructions. On the sixth day there are to prepare what they bring in, and that is to be twice as much as they gather on the other days.” That is how God is giving me strength to endure this hardship of grief. He gives me just enough to get through the day and on next day He does the same for me again. I know that the He has never forsaken me. “God blesses those who mourn, for they will be comforted.” (Matthew 5:4).As I was reading through 2 Corinthians, I also realized that God has a plan for me. God uses the bad for good. I know that as I am going through the pain of grief, I can use it to comfort others that have gone through the same thing. “Even when we are weighed down with troubles, it is your comfort and Salvation! For when we ourselves are comforted, we will certainly comfort you.” (2 Corinthians1:6)

Lyrics by Alterbridge

This was a song that gave Joseph comfort when he was grieving. He shared it with me a long time ago. When he passed away, I listened to this song and since then I still listen to it. It makes me cry but yet it gives me comfort.

In Loving Memory
By: Alterbridge

Thanks for all you've done
I've missed you for so long
I can't believe you're gone
You still live in me
I feel you in the wind
You guide me constantly

I've never knew what it was to be alone, no
Cause you were always there for me
You were always there waiting
And ill come home and I miss your face so
Smiling down on me
I close my eyes to see

And I know, you're a part of me
And it's your song that sets me free
I sing it while I feel I can't hold on
I sing tonight cause it comforts me

I carry the things that remind me of you
In loving memory of
The one that was so true
Your were as kind as you could be
And even though you're gone
You still mean the world to me

I've never knew what it was to be alone, no
Cause you were always there for me
You were always there waiting
But now I come home and it's not the same, no
It feels empty and alone
I can't believe you're gone

And I know, you're a part of me
And it's your song that sets me free
I sing it while I feel I can't hold on
I sing tonight cause it comforts me

I'm glad he set you free from sorrow
I'll still love you more tomorrow
And you will be here with me still

And what you did you did with feeling
And You always found the meaning
And you always will
And you always will
And you always will

Ooo's

And I know, you're a part of me
And it's your song that sets me free
I sing it while I feel I can't hold on
I sing tonight cause it comforts me

Pictures That I Made With PhotoShop

I've been playing around with PhotoShop lately. Here's some of what I've done.

A Spirit walking to the gates of heaven

Joseph and Me

Encouraging Words from Joseph

Today I woke up feeling that my battle with sadness I’ve been dealing with this week was over. The sadness seemed to have been lifted. I went to sleep last night. I finally got to sleep without any thoughts that kept me awake. As I slept through the night, I dreamed. I dreamed of Joseph. I dreamed he was by side, not saying a word but there. He comforted me. I didn’t feel so alone. In my dream it felt like he was there for real. I put my hand on his face and I felt the softness of his skin. I felt that was what I needed. I needed to be close to him in some way. I was able to feel close to him in a dream.

Today I went through some of Joseph’s writings that I have on my computer. I read a few of them. The Prayer Day Testimony that he wrote gave me some insight. I felt like this was for me to read today.

He wrote, “It all began over the summer break. The Lord revealed to me that there was about to be an idol in my life, the idol of a physical healing. You see, I was thinking that I needed to experience a miraculous physical healing in order to experience complete freedom, joy, and peace in the Lord. So one day, He tapped me on the shoulder and told me to give it over to Him. He told me, “Why should I heal you if your heart does not fully belong to me?” He showed me that I needed to put Him on the throne of my heart and learn to make Him the Love of my life. He wanted to not only be the Lord of my life, but the Love of my life. You could say that the Lord urged me to get on board His agenda. Then the Lord began His work in a very unexpected way. He actually allowed my physical condition to get a lot worse. At first I got a bit upset, but then I felt how much closer the Lord seemed to be to me. As He seemed to give me a double portion of pain, He also seemed to give me a double portion of His presence and of His Spirit as well. And then before I knew it, I had more freedom, peace, and joy than I had ever imagined. When I came back to school this semester, many things were different. When Jesus becomes the Love of your life, everything is different. It’s like you have new eyes to see more of what Jesus sees, a new heart to feel more of what He feels, and new mind to know more of what He knows. You will discover that it is the blood of Jesus that now runs through your veins and it is His heart that now beats inside of you.

“Since Jesus has become the Love of my life, I have been experiencing many powerful lessons and I want to share a few of them with you. The first lesson that I’ve been experiencing is about joy. James 1:2 says, “consider it all joy when you fall into various trials.” I never truly believed that was possible until a couple months ago. I’m also understanding Hebrews 12:2, which says, “fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.” I’m sure that Jesus did not exactly feel joy on the cross, but He had joy. Not to compare my pain to that of Jesus, for there is no comparison, but there are some days when I don’t feel joy either, but I still have joy. Romans 14:17 says, “…for the kingdom of God is not eating and drinking, but righteousness and peace and joy in the Holy Spirit.” To make this passage a little more relevant to my circumstances, you could even say that the kingdom of God is not in walking either, but righteousness and peace and joy in the Holy Spirit. The pain that I experience is so bad at times that it can even make me cry. But behind every one tear of pain, there are two tears of joy, the joy of being completely overwhelmed and consumed by the great love of God. A few weeks ago a friend of mine gave me a quote about a vision that Mother Teresa had about an angel stabbing her in the heart with an arrow. That quote describes exactly what I’m going through. That quote says, “When he pulled it out, I felt he took the contents of my heart with it, and left me utterly consumed by the great love of God…The sweetness caused by this intense pain is so extreme that one cannot possibly wish it to cease, nor is one’s soul then content with anything but God.”

His words left me thinking of something I haven’t really thought of before. Like Joseph he has his share of great pain, physically and emotionally. My burden of pain I’ve dealed with now is bereavement. Joseph was the closest person to me besides God. We shared everything together. We had no secrets. We were not only just married/engaged or whatever we were best friends. I never had to experience the lost of a close loved one. I did lose my grandparents and great-grands, but not someone as close as Joseph was to me. He was the man that I wanted to share the rest of my life with even though he didn’t have long to live. I gave him the keys to my heart. Joseph’s whole purpose in loving me was to make sure that I was focused on God. He did that. I loved God more as I loved Joseph.

Sometimes when I have my sad moments I feel little anger toward God. Sometimes I may get a little unfocused. Sometimes I am left thinking, “He took Joseph’s pain away but what about mine? What about my pain of grief? God tells me that, “Do not be angry with me. I am only here to help you. Depend on Me as you have been. I have a full purpose for your pain as I did for Joseph’s.” and I thought, “Hey, you’re right.” I feel that God wanted me to read this particular sermon of Joseph’s to get that message. I also felt that he used Joseph’s mother to send me that message too. She gave me some very encouraging bible verses. He has a purpose for the pain I am feeling. I know that I am not perfect and God doesn’t expect me to be. I know that I am overall doing well in my grief process but I am still climbing rocks in hard places to get to the top. I do not know what the full purpose of it is yet. But I do know that he wants us to be strong to defeat the evil one. There was another sermon of his that I read to that gave me encourage.

He said: “Every time I have gone to that church, my friend’s and I have a certain tradition after the service: go to his own house and sleep. On this particular Sunday I was still thawing out from the cold water, and I got to nap on probably the most comfortable couch in the world. Oh, it felt so good. After one of the best naps I have ever had, I looked out of the window and saw this huge tree. My first thought about this tree was, “Boy that sure is an ugly tree.” The tree was naked and it looked dead. It was also a very cold day in the middle of winter. As I was lying there, I could feel God asking me, “Why is this tree ugly? Is it not part of my perfect design that this tree has to go through this particular season?” Then all of a sudden, it hit me. Winter is good for the tree. There comes a time when the leaves must fall off and it seriously goes into some kind of hibernation to stay alive during the winter. When spring comes, brand new leaves will grow and the winter will have had made the tree stronger. The tree will go through this cycle year after year and when the time comes, the tree will be full grown and nothing will be able to knock down the tree, because its roots have gotten so strong. God related it back to me. He said, “Joseph, each season that I have you go through is part of my perfect design for you. It is normal for you to be sad and frustrated with life sometimes, but as you keep meeting with me, new things will grow out of the hard times. Take each day one day at a time, and trust that as you keep coming to me for strength, you will come out stronger.” This concept sounds familiar. I think it comes from James 1:3-4, which says “For you know that when your faith is tested, you endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing.”

Ephesians 6¹⁰ Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord and in the power of His might. ¹¹Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. ¹²For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age,^[20] against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places. ¹³Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand.
¹⁴Stand therefore, having girded your waist with truth, having put on the breastplate of righteousness, ¹⁵and having shod your feet with the preparation of the gospel of peace; ¹⁶above all, taking the shield of faith with which you will be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked one. ¹⁷And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God; ¹⁸praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, being watchful to this end with all perseverance and supplication for all the saints-- ¹⁹and for me, that utterance may be given to me, that I may open my mouth boldly to make known the mystery of the gospel, ²⁰for which I am an ambassador in chains; that in it I may speak boldly, as I ought to speak.”

Insomnia

This week I haven't been able to sleep through the night. I am not sure what's causing it. Joseph's eats at 10 and then after that he goes straight to sleep. I try to lay down but only find myself wide awake. I sit there some nights and I have flashbacks and sometimes my mind is so full of thoughts. I try to find things to occupy my mind like write, read, draw. It doesn't seem to be working, so I just continue to lay there. Then as soon as I know it, it's 4 o clock. I do eventually fall out which I am thankful for. Then I awake up a few hours later to get Joseph up. I've been feeling lonely, and sad. I do ask God for strength everyday. But it seems that the lonely hours of the evening and at night seems to take me down a path to sadness. I wonder is it because it's getting close to November? I dread that day, yet I know I shouldn't look at the day in that way. I'll make it through, Jesus is by my side.

Meaning of Life

As I am still going through the process of grief, I am making good progress. I decided to look outside myself and I saw that I am moving through better than I thought. When I am experiencing my downtimes, times when I feel there is no hope, I feel like I am not moving anywhere. I realize now that I am moving somewhere. I just have my down days and I always will. When I am sad, I feel confined and sometimes I wish I could die and that my life has no meaning. I feel like I am dying more and more each day. I always try to remind myself that Joseph wouldn't won't me to despair forever or feel that way. So I decided to remind myself that I should think of what he would want for me. I am seeing past the hopelessness and now I see a light at the end of the tunnel. I am reaching for it more and more everyday. Now I found that I have a meaning and purpose in life, it's living for God and for my son. My son has been a tremendous source of strength for me. I see so much of his father in him. Sometimes when he looks at me, it's like his daddy is looking at me. He has so much of me in him too. He is going to be a strong man when he grows up. I know that in the blog I have mostly talked grief, but by talking about it, it helps me work through. A while back, I wrote a little sermon I guess you could say on grief. Here it is:

I have come to truly realize something today. I was reading through Corinthians, Romans, Hebrews, Thessalonians, and Philippians looking at verses about death and eternal life. I was looking for some encouraging verses that would help me with the grief that I have been going through since I lost Joseph. I remember reading one of Joseph’s sermons about handling grief. He said, “After losing my grandmother, my heart has never been so crushed. No one can hurry the process of grieving; it just has to take its course. Although it is comforting to have friends around you while you are grieving, even they cannot comfort. There is only One person that we can go to for putting our hearts back together, Jesus. In these times of pain, I honestly have never felt so close to Jesus. He knows exactly what this is like. Everyday Jesus loses someone He loves. Everyday someone rejects His love and they go on to hell. Understanding that Jesus understands all that we go through is by far the most comforting thing. Wrestling with all kinds of emotions has shaken the foundation of why I am still here. If we had only one more day to live and we lived that last day for ourselves, that last day would be worthless. But if we commit even one day to Jesus, that day is worth more than anything.” I know that the only way that I am going to get through grief is to rely on Jesus to get me through. Jesus has felt the pain; He knows what it’s like. I know that He is the only person that I can turn to with grief.

I have dealt with grief for six months already and I have felt that I am getting no where in the grieving process. Truly as I have come to realization that I am getting somewhere in this. I am finding strength everyday. God gives me enough strength to last the day. That reminds me of the story in Exodus 16, when the Lord gives the starving people food. The Lord said to Moses, “I will rain down bread from heaven for you. The people are to go out each day and gather enough for that day. In this way I will test them and see whether they will follow my instructions. On the sixth day there are to prepare what they bring in, and that is to be twice as much as they gather on the other days.” That is how God is giving me strength to endure this hardship of grief. He gives me just enough to get through the day and on next day He does the same for me again. I know that the He has never forsaken me. “God blesses those who mourn, for they will be comforted.” (Matthew 5:4).

As I was reading through 2 Corinthians, I also realized that God has a plan for me. God uses the bad for good. I know that having to go through the pain of grief that I can use it to comfort others that have gone through the same thing. “Even when we are weighed down with troubles, it is your comfort and Salvation! For when we ourselves are comforted, we will certainly comfort you.” (2 Corinthians1:6)

When Joseph passed away this past November, I kept asking myself how I am going to live without him. I always told him when he was alive, that if he passed away before me I wouldn’t be able to without him. Joseph told me that I would be able to live without him and that God would give the strength to endure the pain of losing him. Now I realize that I am able to live without him physically. Joseph is not dead. He is alive and well WALKING with the Lord and that I should not weep that he is gone. I should be happy that he is pain-free and that I will see him again. I realize that God wants me know to that and that Joseph would want me to know that.

Ever since Joseph has gone to live with the Lord, I have come to grips about death. I am not afraid of death anymore. I look forward to dying someday. I look forward to walk with the Lord. I am comforted that as long as I live and serve the Lord, when I die I will be able to see my loved ones in heaven. As I have accepted the Lord Jesus Christ my name will forever remain in the Book of Life. I found a verse that Paul wrote in Philippians that reminds me of how Joseph lived his life and how I want to follow his footsteps. Its says, “For I fully expect and hope that I will never be ashamed, but that I will continue to be bold for Christ, as I have been in the past. And I trust that my life will bring honor to Christ, whether I live or die. For to me, living means living for Christ, and dying is even better. But if I live, I can do more fruitful work for Christ. So I really don’t know which is better. I’m torn between two desires: I long to go and be with Christ, which would be far better for me. But for your sakes, it is better that I continue to live.” (Philippians 1:20-24) With this verse, I am encouraged to live more for Christ. I am more aware of the plans that God has for me. I realize that I should be happy for Joseph as he is living so vividly now in heaven with the Lord and that he is watching over me. I realize that I should not be in sorrow and that I should be joyous that we as the Lord’s people have eternal life.

My Pumpkin and His Pumpkin

Today, Joseph received a package in the mail from his grandmother, Mama Lu. Joseph sat down with me and I said, "Joseph, do you want to help me open your present?" He looked at it as I tore the paper and I put his hands on the paper. He started tearing. It was the cutest thing. I opened the box and to our surprise it was a jack-o-lantern. It has Joseph's name carved on it. It's one of those pumpkin's that you plug-up and it's lights up. It's cute. Joseph was amazed at it. I sat it on the table and he touched it and grabbed it. I took some cute pictures of him with it. I am really excited about Halloween. We aren't going to do the trick or treat thing, but I think the idea of dressing him in a costume is cute. He is dressing as tigger for Halloween.

Encouraging Bible Verses

Here are some verse that are very encouraging and have helped me:

“My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever”

-Psalm 73:26

“O Lord, be gracious to us; we long for you. Be our strength every morning, our salvation in time of distress.”

-Isaiah 33:2

After you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace, who called you by the Messiah Jesus to his eternal glory, will restore you, establish you, strengthen you, and support you.

-1 Peter 5:10

First Blog Post

Hello everyone! This is my first post on Blogger. I had a blog that I posted on MySpace that I would like to post:

I've been thinking lately about writing more in a blog, so that's what I am going to do. I feel now that is the only way right now that I can express my feelings. When Joseph died, I quit writing. I quit doing things I enjoyed. Now that time has passed a little bit, I feel that I have reached a point where I can organize my thoughts and lay them down in writing. I have gone through so much in the past two years, wow. I have changed so much. I've grown up. I've gained more knowledge. I feel I am at a point where I am mature. Going through losing a close friend and love and then becoming a mother has made me who I am now. I am careful, I am cautious, and I am more intuitive. I am starting to understand that I can find some good in the bad. I am beginning to understand things that I cannot change. I know that I haven't completed the grieving process yet, but I am beginning to understand that I can be happy again. Everyone says that "Leanna, you will find love again someday" or "Leanna, Joseph would won't you to be happy and he would want you to marry." Well, despite how lonely I am; I can't see myself falling in love again. I've accepted it. I've tried to see myself being with someone and being in love, but I don't see it happening ever. I don't want, I don't need, and I think I be happy without it. I am happy with what I have and what I had.

I would like to use my experiences to inspire others. I want to inspire others to not take things for granted, and for others to love someone like it's the last day of there life. I want my story of Joseph and Me to inspire others to love like we did. I also want to use my grief and put it to good use. I want to show others that it's okay to grieve and it's okay to be sad. I want to show others that it's also okay to move on too. It's the hardest thing to lose a husband, fiance, boyfriend. It's that one person that you wanted to share your life with. Someone you confided it, someone that you wanted to grow old with, and the person who was your best friend. For those that are dating, married, engaged, it's hard to imaging life without them. I couldn't imagine life without Joseph despite that he was destined to leave me to go to heaven. It's that bond you share with them that you don't want to let go. That's something I had to do for now. God has been here with me every step of the way. He has proven to me that I can live without Joseph, even though I thought it was impossible. God has also made me rely on Him more for things. He has given assurance that He will provide for my every need. I am falling more in love with Him everyday. I want to be with Him, but at the same time I want to live life in His glory. I know that in someway God used Joseph and his life, to bring me closer to Him. I know that I have has some struggle since he died, but God would bring me out of the shadows and bring me back in to the light. For those who are grieving, don't let the evil one put you in darkness through your hard time. Do not listen to his lies. I try to remind myself of this. The evil one tries to use your loss to bring you down. Don't let him. Rely on God to get you through. God will give you just enough strength to get through it.

Some Verse to think out
"My soul weeps because of grief; Strengthen me according to Your word." Psalm 119:28.

"God blesses those who mourn, for they will be comforted." (Matthew 5:4).

Another thing I want to let out, express is that I am so tired of people thinking that there domination is the way. God would not want Christians fighting each other. You should say that you are Christian, not methodist, lutheran, baptist, presbyterian. etc. A Domination DOESN'T matter when you go to heaven. What should matter is that you are in a fellowship of God. It's annoys me when certain Christians think they are better then other Christians. I think back to a verse in the bible where Jesus says, ""Do not judge, and you will not be judged; and do not condemn, and you will not be condemned; pardon, and you will be pardoned." (Luke 6:37). I also cannot stand the idea of people who think they are better you. I do not like people being too prideful. Proverbs 16:18 says, "Pride goes before destruction, And a haughty spirit before stumbling." Don't be prideful, please.

Things are just somethings that I have been thinking about lately. I am planning on continuing to write things little sermons I guess you could say. I also will be writing blogs about how I feel maybe it will inspire you in someway or give you something to think about.