Today was a tough day for me as far as missing Joseph and wishing he was here. Today marks one day that Joseph passed away. Last night around the time that he passed away last year, I had flashbacks of his death. I was so upset and sad.I didn't understand why I felt so sad and anxious today. I went to visit with Joseph's family. They had a get-together of close friends and family to remember Joseph. This wasn't meant to mourn for Joseph but to celebrate his life and his homecoming to heaven. Well me,on the other hand, I haven't thought of this day as that. I wanted so much to look at the bright side of the day but the pain of losing him came back and comsumed me. I wanted to be happy and just not think about the bad part. Is it because of the traumatic event of watching him pass away in front of me? Of course today wasn't like it was a year ago. I loved him so dearly and he was the closest human being to me. He was the only person who could read me like a book and knew how I really felt. Til this day, he is still the only person who truly understood me. He never judged me, and he was so graceful. I just simply miss his company. Maybe today was so hard because it marked one year without his company. I just wish I could see him again and hear his voice. I can't to one day when it's time for God to take me.
Tonight, I was looking at the forum where posted a thread about my grief and loss of Joseph. As I read it, I thought, "Man, I haven't been following my words lately." I wonder if I am supposed to learn something from this time of sadness? Perhaps God wanted me to learn that I will get stronger from this. This time is only a season and it shall pass. Anyways, I went back to look at the forum and found that I had some replies. To my surprise I found that my words had brought comfort to those who are going through the same thing. It really brought a smile to my face.
http://www.thelightbeyond.com/forum/showthread.php?t=532
#1
October 28th, 2008, 00:06
shieldmaidenofchrist08
My Experience of Grief Over the Loss of My Fiance
I hope that my story will give you hope in your grief. On November 9, 2007, my fiance died unexpectantly due to a sudden massive heart attack. He was 23. He had a terminal illness, he battled Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy. You never would have thought that he would die that early morning of a heart attack. He was happy and we had joke around and laughed that night.We were soul mates and were very close. We had been together for 10 months, we just knew it was love at first sight when we met. Before he went to sleep, he told me that he loved me very much and that I was a miracle to him. I was three months pregnant with his child at the time, and he put his hand on my belly and talked to the baby and told him that he loved him/her. When I got to go to the bathroom and I came back, he was awake and he spoke to me, he said, "Snuggle up closer to me". Before I got a chance to lay next to him to go back to sleep, he was unconscious. It was in a split second he was gone. I tried to perform CPR until the paramedics came, but he remained unresponsive. He was taken to the hospital but they couldn't resuscitate him, they pronounced him dead.Since that very night that he died, I still have flashbacks. It's been a year now and I am still battling grief. We all have our own time in trying to deal with grief. You can't make it go away. You can't lock it up in a box and throw the key away. You have to deal with it. When I feel like crying, I cry. But what has helped me get through it and deal with it is God. He gave me the strength to work my way through grief. Grief has it's stages like Shock, Denial, etc. I have finally reached the stage of Reality and Acceptance. You will too in your own time. Don't rush your grief, but don't let it stay in one place. Sometimes I felt that I was getting no where in the grieving process but I came to realization that I was getting somewhere. I am able to smile again and embrace little joys in life again. I find comfort knowing that he is in heaven and he isn't suffering from that horrible disease. I am finding strength everyday. God gives me enough strength to last the day. That reminds me of the story in Exodus 16, when the Lord gives the starving people food. The Lord said to Moses, “I will rain down bread from heaven for you. The people are to go out each day and gather enough for that day. In this way I will test them and see whether they will follow my instructions. On the sixth day there are to prepare what they bring in, and that is to be twice as much as they gather on the other days.” That is how God is giving me strength to endure this hardship of grief. He gives me just enough to get through the day and on next day He does the same for me again. I know that the He has never forsaken me. “God blesses those who mourn, for they will be comforted.” (Matthew 5:4).As I was reading through 2 Corinthians, I also realized that God has a plan for me. God uses the bad for good. I know that as I am going through the pain of grief, I can use it to comfort others that have gone through the same thing. “Even when we are weighed down with troubles, it is your comfort and Salvation! For when we ourselves are comforted, we will certainly comfort you.” (2 Corinthians1:6)
